I can't decide that meeting you was the tragedy of my life or the best thing that ever happened to me.
There are too many thoughts in my head and they make me feel spinning like a carousel. We always tell each other that we will never give up on our love and we will always be together. It's been 6 months and my feelings haven't changed for you. We care about each other so much but it's like you want to own me. Don't take the phrase 'I am yours' literally.
 I don't wanna lie to myself. I don't wanna lie to you. I just wanna be honest with you but it might be the end of us. Yes, I can see the end. Cause I don't wanna live my whole life in lie. We both know that we did awful things in our life. I don't wanna remind myself and you either. Despite the fact you always do. No matter what we are talking about we always end up arguing about something bullshit. You calling me child Im calling you motherfucker. That's how it usually goes. You go away and when you come back everything is good again. But not for me. There are so many thoughts i wanna tell you but i know that i cant cause we would start it all over again. It is annoying. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes you make me angry. Sometimes you make me wanna hit you. Sometimes i feel like my head is just gonna explode. These are just feelings but i can't get rid of them cause i can't talk about them! You know if I am talking vulgarly it only takes a few minutes. But i don't need you to be huffy and angry. I NEED YOU to calm me down. To tell me sweet words.
I don't wanna admit it but I can see the end of it all. I know that we made a promise. And believe me I wanna keep it. But every time we look at each other I feel like I wanna die. Cause I lied to you and for that I will never forgive myself.I am screwing up everything. I don't wanna beg for second chances but I love you so much, I just don't wanna risk loosing you.
You are killing me and I am killing you. Everything would be so much easier if we didn't care of each other this much. And sometimes I am telling myself like 'oh fuck everything, i wanna get out of this alive.' But deep in my heart i know that i would be heart-broken as shit.
The worst thing of all this that you love me. I mean for real. No games, no lies. I can see it in your eyes, feel it in your pulse. Your words, your actions... I am not sure that i will find anybody like you. I can't compare you to anyone in my life. So despite all of these bad things i wrote before... You are still the one I love the most. And when we arguing I hate myself.. not you. Not at all.
So I guess it's time for me to be a big girl. I have to decide what to do. My feelings are always changing about our future. Sometimes I feel like being with you is a selfish thing. But most of the time it seems that there is hope for us. I am just hoping all the time.
 No matter what will happen, this was a lesson to be learned for me. No more bullshitting. No more lies. Just the truth.. straight to your face.